“Which One’s the Man?” and 17 Other Questions To Stop Asking Women Who Date Women

No, she’s not my sister/roommate/gal pal.

Two women about to kiss
We’re a team, just like any other couple.Getty Images

When it comes to romantic relationships between two women, it seems there’s always that one person who just has to ask an inappropriate question. Sure, sometimes, these questions could be coming from a genuine place of curiosity, but they’re mostly just rude and intrusive—especially when they’re focused on sex.

So, in an effort to educate the masses, I’ve enlisted the help of some friends to share the most ridiculous questions they’ve actually been asked while navigating the world as a woman who dates women.

Two women on a rooftop

1. But you’re so pretty, are you sure you’re into women?

There are several things wrong with this one. Somewhere along the line, people created this idea that women who date women are supposed to look a certain way. It’s a stereotypical view blooming from patriarchal roots that the only possible reason a woman could love another woman is because no man would find her attractive. It’s silly, it’s outdated and it’s just plain false.Getty Images
Two women cuddling on the beach

2. How do you even have sex?

We won’t tell how, but, according to a recent study, women give women way more orgasms than men do. When questioned, 86 percent of women dating women “reported usually or always orgasming during sexual activity” while only “65 percent of straight women could say the same.” But who’s counting?Pexels
Two plu-sized women lying in bed

3. Is it even called sex when you do it?

It depends on how you define sex—if you think the goal of sex is to satisfy your partner, connect on a more physical level and guide them toward an orgasm then yes, women who date women are having sex.Unsplash
Two women laughing on a street

4. Can I watch?

No. Some men have spent much of their lives fetishizing lesbian relationships and will waste no time in letting you know how hot they think you and your partner are together. Our love isn’t meant to please you—it’s to please us!Pexels
Women kissing another women on the cheek

5. What about a threesome?

Again, the answer is no. While the desire for a menage a trois is normal, it’s incredibly offensive to try to insert yourself into a couple’s bedroom, even if it’s a joke. Especially if you don’t know them.Getty Images
Two black women kissing on a bed

6. What if you just haven’t found the right guy?

A woman dating another woman has nothing to do with the quality of men around her. The assumption that it does isn’t just invalidating, it’s dangerous: “Corrective rape”—the concept that forcing heterosexual sex on someone can make them heterosexual—still happens around the world. It’s a particularly pervasive problem in areas of South Africa.Getty Images
Two women kissing

7. Do you think you’re going to hell?

Folks of all religions have used their faith to back their arguments and pass judgement against women who date women. Lay off the guilt trip and recognize that a person is much more than who they sleep with.Unsplash
Two women laughing in bed

8. Do you use toys?

Yes, probably, but is this your concern? Are you looking for suggestions?Getty Images
Two women about to kiss

9. Why not just date a guy if you’re gonna use a strap-on?

Because the penis comes attached to a living, breathing man to whom we aren’t attracted, while the strap-on attaches nicely to the person we’re currently in love with and in a relationship with. It’s really not that hard to understand.Unsplash
Two women cuddling in bed

10. Don't you miss penises?

It’s about the heart, not the parts. But the answer is no.Pexels
Two women having coffee at a kitchen table

11. I really want to know what it would be like to be with a woman. Can you do that for me, since you're my best friend?

It’s easy to highlight all of the insensitive and rude questions posed by straight men, but women also have their moments. To the women who are genuinely curious about sex with other women: don’t ask your lesbian bestie this. Just because she dates women doesn’t mean that she’s attracted to you! And even if she is attracted to you and says yes to your request, things could get messy and the friendship could suffer. If you really want to explore your sexuality, get on a dating app and make your expectations crystal clear.Pexels
Two women having a beer

12. Who pays on dates?

She does. I do. It really isn’t a big deal, but it’s often the person who suggested the date.Pexels
Woman with her face pressed against another women's pregnant belly

13. But don’t you want kids?

Maybe, and there are plenty of ways to have them if we so choose.Getty Images
Two women holding a baby

14. But don’t you want YOUR OWN kids?

Would you question the “realness” of the relationship between straight adoptive parents and the munchkins they bring home? If not, then don’t question the fact that same sex partners can love and adore their children, even if they aren’t biologically related.Getty Images
Two women giggling on a bed

15. Which do you like more, guys or girls?

This question is usually posed to women who are bisexual, which means they date men and women. Some bi women may have a preference, some may say it just depends on the person, but it’s inappropriate to ask.Pexels
Two women kissing in a field

16. Does your partner trust you around the opposite sex?

This is another common misconception when it comes to bisexual folks. Just because someone is attracted to two or more sexes doesn’t mean they are more promiscuous and shouldn’t be trusted.Pexels
Two women about to kiss

17. Who’s the man?

A relationship between two women doesn’t follow the typical gender roles assigned by society; there is no “man,” and that’s kind of the point. There are just two women thoroughly enjoying each other.Getty Images