“Which One’s the Man?” and 17 Other Questions To Stop Asking Women Who Date Women

1. But you’re so pretty, are you sure you’re into women?

There are several things wrong with this one. Somewhere along the line, people created this idea that women who date women are supposed to look a certain way. It’s a stereotypical view blooming from patriarchal roots that the only possible reason a woman could love another woman is because no man would find her attractive. It’s silly, it’s outdated and it’s just plain false.

2. How do you even have sex?

We won’t tell how, but, according to a recent study, women give women way more orgasms than men do. When questioned, 86 percent of women dating women “reported usually or always orgasming during sexual activity” while only “65 percent of straight women could say the same.” But who’s counting?

3. Is it even called sex when you do it?

It depends on how you define sex—if you think the goal of sex is to satisfy your partner, connect on a more physical level and guide them toward an orgasm then yes, women who date women are having sex.

4. Can I watch?

No. Some men have spent much of their lives fetishizing lesbian relationships and will waste no time in letting you know how hot they think you and your partner are together. Our love isn’t meant to please you—it’s to please us!

5. What about a threesome?

Again, the answer is no. While the desire for a menage a trois is normal, it’s incredibly offensive to try to insert yourself into a couple’s bedroom, even if it’s a joke. Especially if you don’t know them.

6. What if you just haven’t found the right guy?

A woman dating another woman has nothing to do with the quality of men around her. The assumption that it does isn’t just invalidating, it’s dangerous: “Corrective rape”—the concept that forcing heterosexual sex on someone can make them heterosexual—still happens around the world. It’s a particularly pervasive problem in areas of South Africa.

7. Do you think you’re going to hell?

Folks of all religions have used their faith to back their arguments and pass judgement against women who date women. Lay off the guilt trip and recognize that a person is much more than who they sleep with.

8. Do you use toys?

Yes, probably, but is this your concern? Are you looking for suggestions?

9. Why not just date a guy if you’re gonna use a strap-on?

Because the penis comes attached to a living, breathing man to whom we aren’t attracted, while the strap-on attaches nicely to the person we’re currently in love with and in a relationship with. It’s really not that hard to understand.

10. Don’t you miss penises?

It’s about the heart, not the parts. But the answer is no.

11. I really want to know what it would be like to be with a woman. Can you do that for me, since you’re my best friend?

It’s easy to highlight all of the insensitive and rude questions posed by straight men, but women also have their moments. To the women who are genuinely curious about sex with other women: don’t ask your lesbian bestie this. Just because she dates women doesn’t mean that she’s attracted to you! And even if she is attracted to you and says yes to your request, things could get messy and the friendship could suffer. If you really want to explore your sexuality, get on a dating app and make your expectations crystal clear.

12. Who pays on dates?

She does. I do. It really isn’t a big deal, but it’s often the person who suggested the date.

13. But don’t you want kids?

Maybe, and there are plenty of ways to have them if we so choose.

14. But don’t you want YOUR OWN kids?

Would you question the “realness” of the relationship between straight adoptive parents and the munchkins they bring home? If not, then don’t question the fact that same sex partners can love and adore their children, even if they aren’t biologically related.

15. Which do you like more, guys or girls?

This question is usually posed to women who are bisexual, which means they date men and women. Some bi women may have a preference, some may say it just depends on the person, but it’s inappropriate to ask.

16. Does your partner trust you around the opposite sex?

This is another common misconception when it comes to bisexual folks. Just because someone is attracted to two or more sexes doesn’t mean they are more promiscuous and shouldn’t be trusted.

17. Who’s the man?

A relationship between two women doesn’t follow the typical gender roles assigned by society; there is no “man,” and that’s kind of the point. There are just two women thoroughly enjoying each other.